I’ve been neglecting this space somewhat. I’m drowning in university work which I don’t seem to be able to do. I have all my references, I’ve written out structured plans for my reports and essays, but somehow there is a block when I actually attempt to do this work. I lay out my books, articles, pencilcase and laptop, open a word document… and then nothing. I’ve spent hours sitting staring at the blank screen, knowing exactly what I need to do but not being able to string the words together to form a logical argument.
It makes me feel so lazy. It’s so hard to explain the complete absence of motivation that comes with depression. That I love what I study – I love learning, I love doing well academically, I love piecing research together and weaving ideas into a coherent response. But recently my mind is blank. I close my eyes to try to focus and there is nothing there – a faint buzzing and grey static, punctuated only by intense ideation, primal screaming and violent imagery.
I’m going to need to apply for extensions for these assignments which makes me feel so pathetic. I got through last year without using any extensions, and that made me feel good about myself. I don’t like having to ask for special consideration. I don’t want to be that person. It embarrasses me, and it makes me disappointed in myself. Surely if I’ve managed before I can manage again? I need to keep reminding myself that there is a reason this is happening. I need to get back on my medication. I need some more support so that every inch of energy is not expended on keeping myself safe.
I’m going away for work tomorrow, I’ll be without internet until Friday. I’m not sure how I will cope with my headspace – but I keep reminding myself that I have been away working in far worse states than this, and I got through that. This – medical complications, ideation and strange sensory side effects – this is small game. I can do this. Thankfully I have an amazing job – on an isolated island surrounded by bush. When I’ve been unwell while working in the past, I spend the nights wandering the beach and navigating the island by moonlight. It’s a beautiful place.
The week that I return I have two exams, and when they are done I will be going into hospital. It’s a complicated situation that I don’t have the energy or cognitive function to explain right now – but I’ve been teetering on the edge for a long time, ignoring the signs. I’ve been lucky to have managed to stay out (not including schedules and emergency presentations) this long since returning home, and it’s time I swallowed my pride and accepted more help. Noone is going to change this for me. I have to make these decisions myself, and accept that things aren’t okay. When I can think more clearly I will explain further. For now, look after yourselves, and look after each other.